Insane Drabbles
by sadjksaje3u432984
Summary: [HOLY ST.PATRICKS DAY UP LOL!1111] Insane and horrible short stories that no one should read. KIDS STAY AWAY! Why do I do this? Because I can! [Drabble 7 up!]
1. Pokemon

Oh come on, like you didn't watch Poke'mon when you were little!

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** Who's that Poke'mon?**

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Ed walked right into Roy Mustang's office, completely forgetting his manners and not knocking. Roy shot Ed a questionable glace as Ed proceeded to sink lazily into the black leather couch. It occurred to Roy that Ed had no respect for him, hence no knocking before coming in. Well, Roy couldn't have that, now could he? A sly grin came across his face as he prepared for his regular stream of insults, guaranteed to brighten his day, while destroying Eds. 

Ed sat in a slouch position with his head resting lazily on his hand as he watched Roy. He knew what Roy was about to do, he could feel it. But he wasn't going to fall for it, not this time. His eyes widen slightly as he watched Roy's lips part to speak. This was it! Ed's fingers clasped slightly tighter on his face as he waited for Roy to bring the smack down upon him.

Roy was _about _to comment on Ed's height, like always, but something caught his eye. Something strange… something that almost made him laugh on the spot.

"Pikachu!" Roy shouted abruptly, pointing his index finger straight at Ed.

Ed's stern expression quickly changed to shock. That was _not_ the comment he was expecting. Leave it to Roy to ruin his defensive shield of a straight face! But Ed wouldn't fall for it; oh no. He knew this had to be something Roy was planning to make him lose his temper.

"What?" Ed finally asked, trying not to sound too curious.

Roy snickered slightly, running his hand threw his hair. "I can't believe I never noticed this before! You look like Pikachu!"

That did it. Any strength Ed had for keeping a straight face died instantly as he got up and violently banged his hands on either side of Roy's desk. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPOSSED TO MEAN?" Ed fumed, giving Roy the death glare.

This didn't do anything but make Roy laugh harder. Ed's cheeks started to flush as he continued to glare at the now maniac-laughing Roy. "STOP LAUGHING!" Ed commanded through gritted teeth.

Roy wiped a tear from his eye and gave a long sigh. "Sorry, it's just you remind me of Pikachu!" Roy said while grinning. "Your hair, your temper! And look, your cheeks are red, just like Pikachu's!"

Roy expected Ed to lunge from behind the desk and murder him, but he didn't. Instead, Ed's stiff grip on the desk loosened, and Ed's expression went from homicidal to calm. Ed suddenly smiled, making a shiver run up Roy's spine.

"Well, you know what? You remind me of Charmander…" Ed said calmly. "You always think you don't have to listen to everyone and…" He then swiftly grabbed a coffee mug that had been sitting on the desk. With out warning, he poured the drink on Roy's hands, soaking his gloves beyond usage. "…Once they put out the flame, you're dead!" Ed sat the mug down with a loud 'thud' and grinned with triumph at his comeback. "_Let's see Roy beat that!"_

Roy looked slightly taken aback. "Well Ed, you left out one important detail about Charmander." Roy said while slowly pealing his wet gloves off. Ed raised a brow, and Roy suddenly broke out into a big smile.

"Charmander is taller then Pikachu."

* * *

Yea, so they didn't invent TV or Poke'mon in their time. You think logic gives a shit? 


	2. Like a virgin

**

* * *

Like a virgin**

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**

Roy looked down at the pitiful blonde boy in his arms. He had been too late; Envy and Lust had gotten Ed, and now he lay in his arms slowly dying.

"Don't worry, Ed. We'll get you to a hospital and you'll be fine." Roy said, trying to comfort the young teen.

Ed gave out a stifled chuckle and coughed up some blood. "Don't lie, Mustang." He said in a low voice. "We both know it's too late." There was a heavy silence. Roy didn't know what to say or how to act. Here Ed lay, being brave, and laughing about the fact that he was dying. It was such a sad sight.

Roy hugged him closer. "Don't say things like that, Ed."  
Even if Ed knew Roy was lying, it made him feel better. "Take care of Al for me…"

Roy couldn't hold back the tears that slipped from his eyes. No kid should have to go through this, none. Roy kissed his forehead, and Ed slowly closed his eyes. "Bye, Roy."

Roy looked down to Ed's limp form, and planted a kiss firmly on his lips, causing Ed's eyes to snap open.

"W-what are you doing?" Ed said after Roy broke the kiss.  
Roy started kissing him further down and pulling off his shirt.

"H-hey!" Ed said rather loudly, despite the pain of death approaching him.  
Roy stopped abruptly and sighed. "I'm making love to you, what does it look like?"  
"b-but why?" Ed breathed, trying to stay alive long enough for his explanation.

"You dying is bad enough, but do you want to die a virgin?" Roy asked.

Ed paused for a moment. Dying by Lust and Envy was humiliation enough, but dying a virgin was like the worst thing a guy could do! Even though, if Roy had time to have sex with him, then he should be spending that time taking him to a hospital so MAYBE he'll live.

"I guess you're right."

* * *

Too many times I see a fic with Ed dying and then they start having sex… I think they would be spending that time running to get medical help, but noooo. 


	3. Eye candy!

Ya damn straight! It's an update!

(omg, that rhymed!)

**Eye candy!**

Ed didn't like fighting homunculus. They were strong, and hard as hell to kill. Out of all the homunculi he fought, he hated fighting Envy the most. It wasn't the fact that Envy had swift, hard kicks. It wasn't because of his cocky attitude, nor was it the never ending 'short' comments.

Nope, it was none of these. When Ed would fight Envy, Envy some how always managed to kick Ed on the ground. He would then proceed to stand above Ed, and then squat down.

Envy would start to say something but Ed would hardly be listening. See, when Envy squatted down, it would cause his very short skirt to rise, giving Ed a full view.

Quite an eyeful.

Envy needs to wear pants.


	4. Blingin'

I feel that FMA is racist. This drabble is for all the ghetto people that FMA left out :(

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**Binging'**

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**

One shizzle fine drizzle day, Ed walked down the streets of Central. He had to give that whodi, aka Roy, his report on his last mission. As he walked down the halls, he saw Hawkeye. Ed gave her the 'G' sign. She gave it back, but in the wrong way.

"That ho." Ed said under his breath. "Roy only keeps her around cause she has a sweet badonkadonk."

Ed knocked on the door, and Roy signaled him in. "Come in!"

"Yo." Ed said.  
"How'd yo mission go?" Roy said, turning his ball cap to the side.

Ed slumped down into the couch, that wasn't nearly as blinging as the the couch Ed had at home. "It was the shit. I didn't get much of tha green though."

"That's cus you be one short brotha!" Roy said while slapping his knee and laughing hysterically.  
"Man!" Ed yelled, "Why you always gotta be trippin? I keel you!"  
"I'll fry dat cracka ass!" Roy growled, getting his pimpin gloves on and ready to flame Ed.

Just as a fight was'a brewin', Havoc walked in the door. "Sup hommies." He said in a calm tone.

"Nothing, G." Roy replied. "Wazzap?"  
"Ain't no thing but a chicken wing!" Havoc said. He and Roy gave each other a high five and a pat on a back.

Havoc saw that Ed wasn't looking so crunk. He looked like shit.

"Hey, little man!" Havoc said while placing his hand on his shoulder. "You needed to get crunked' up!"  
"He just be mad cuz I called him a short Jabroni." Roy said with a smirk.  
"Yer' just jealous cause you ain't as blingin' as me!" Ed hollered. He transformed his auto-mail into a sweet ass weapon. Roy laughed.  
"That ain't 'blingin!'" Roy said. "YO! AL! GET YER ASS IN HERE!"

Suddenly Al emerged, his armor completely gold, and he had two ho's around him.

"Waddap, G?" Al said. He took off his big, purple feathered hat and slaped his ho. "Outa tha way skank!"  
Ed's jaw dropped. "Damn, Al!" He said in a high, amused voice. "You're totally balling'!"

Ed quickly left, slapping a ho on her badonkadonk as he did.

"When I get back, I'll be tha biggest pimpin' alchemist! I'll find the biggest, blinging stone evar!"

And with that, he left to find the pimpin' stone.

* * *

This puts the 'I' in "INSANE." 


	5. DONT WACTH BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN!

Spring break in one week! PREPARE FOR MASS UPDATES, YO! Seriously.

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**Broke Back Mountain.

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**

Ed awoke from his sleep hearing the most annoying sound. He tilted his head and yawned awake, stretched, stood and decided to find out what the hell just woke him from his much needed sleep. As he walked up the stairs of Winry's house, he knew the sound was from someone singing. Or rather, someone TRYING to sing. It sounded more like a wife castrating her husband.

As he neared the top floor, he could tell it was coming from the spare bedroom that he and Al were currently staying at.

"I'm gunna be a cowboy!" The voice sang out of tune.

Ed raised a brow. It didn't sound like Winry.

Ed slowly crept to the door and opened it to a crevice, revealing the next American Idle to totally suck, but still get a contract. He almost screamed when I he saw Al dancing around in front of a mirror wearing a cowboy outfit.

"Gonna go to the mountains, get plowed in my behindddddd!" Al chimed. He turned around, shoving his armor ass in front of the mirror and gave a shake that would put Shikera to shame. Just as he was about to sing something else, he noticed the door wasn't shut anymore. If Al could blush, he would be as red as pre-teens newly developed acne.

"Uh, it's not what it looks like!" Al stammered while ripping the outfit off.

Ed came out from hiding and sighed. "It's okay Al. I already knew. We ALL already knew."

Al felt even more embarrassed. "Uhm, so you're not freaked out?"

"Oh of course not, Al!" Ed cried while wrapping his brother in a gentle hug. "We all know you saw Broke Back Mountain!" Ed started to sob. "I didn't mean for you to see it! You're too young! Oh Al, that movie confused you!"

By now Al was dumbstruck with Ed crying hysterically in his arms.

"It's okay Al, we'll fix this. After we find the Philosopher's stone we'll for straight to a strip club! That'll fix you, I promise!" Ed looked at Al with teary, pleading eyes. "Okay Al?"

"But Ed, I-"

Ed shook his head violently. "NO! I won't have it! Where did you get the DvD for Broke Back Mountain? WHERE AL?"

Al said nothing.

"TELL ME!"

Al looked up and said, "You're suitcase."

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Broke Back Mountain is ghey. If you don't know what that is...where the hell do you live? In a box?

I LIVE IN A BOX BEHIND BURGER KING.


	6. SAINT PATTY'S DAY BOOYA BABY!

I know I promised more updates since it's Spring break, but my cat got lost! He got outside at 10PM and didn't come back till 6AM. He got hurt bad though : (

He's gonna be okay, but he's still hurt bad… I'm just glad he's alive.

While you're reading this story, I'm gonna be working on My Little Neko. Cya then!

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**Saint Patty's Day!

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**

"St. Patrick's Day? What's that?" Al asked Roy while walking down the hall.

"Only the best holiday ever invented!" Roy replied in a triumph pose. "It's the only holiday where everyone can get hammered…legally!"

By now Al and Roy had just turned a corner that led to Roy's office. Upon opening the door, they were met with something…pink!

"Who the fuck are you?" Roy asked, fingers ready to snap. The pink figure slowly turned around, grinning from ear to ear with booze in both hands.

"What a pleasant day, that it is!" The pink figure said in an Irish voice.

"HOLY SHIT!" Roy yelled while jumping, "IT'S KENSHIN THE St. Patrick's Day LEPROCHON! HE'S GRACED MY OFFICE WITH HIS PRESENTS, AND BOOZE!"

Al was puzzled. Who was Kenshin?

"Yes, that I have!" Kenshin beamed. "When I heard that Al didn't know the meaning of St. Patrick's Day, I stopped what I was doing and came rushing here, that I did!"

"What were you doing before you came here?" Roy asked.

"Oh, nothing important! I was just about to save Sanosake from being cut into a billion pieces, but THIS is way more important... that it is!"

Kenshin did the gay looking pose he always did and looked around. "Now where is this Al fellow?"

"Right here!" Al chirped. Kenshin jumped.

"Aye, did that trashcan just speak?"

"Uhm… that's…Al…" Roy mumbled, seeing Al's hurt expression.

Kenshin blinked. "Ey, you gotta be pulling me leg, that you must!"

Roy shook his head. "I shit you not."

Kenshin paused then took a big swig of booze. "When the world doesn't make sense, getting drunk solves everything, that it does!" Kenshin walked over to Al and wrapped his arm around his shoulder. "Well Roy, let's take this little lad out and show him the TRUE meaning of St. Patrick's Day!"

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**Somewhere in the streets of Central**

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"Ey, show us your titties!" Kenshin yelled in a drunken slur. "UGH! Those aren't tits, those are mosquito bites!"

"Uhm, Kenshin, are you going to tell me the meaning of St. Patrick's Day?" Al asked quietly.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Kenshin asked with a burp, "this IS the meaning of St. Patrick's Day!"

"Getting drunk and seeing girls boobs? Are you sure there isn't something history related? And what happened to your Irish accent?"

Kenshin looked at Al for a good 30 seconds before he opened his mouth and regurgitated all over him. "Yep!" Kenshin replied as if he had done nothing wrong. "My Irish accent? Oh er…J'aime des boobs!

"That's not even Irish! That's French!"

"¡Boobs es diversión a mirar!"

"Okay, now that was Spanish."

"Ah shut the fuck up an' gimme more booooze!"

"MORE BOOBS!" Roy chimed in. "Come on Al, just relax and have fun! And while you're at it, show us your tits!"

"But Colonel, I'm not a girl!" Al whimpered.

Kenshin and Roy looked from Al then back to each other and busted out laughing. Ignoring Al, they walked on down the street, looking for more women.

"HEY BLONDY!" Kenshin yelled out when he spotted a blonde figure ahead of them, "Show us your tits!"

The blonde stopped walking and turned around. "Will you gimme some booze if I do?" It said. 'it' turned out to be Ed drunk.

"Brother!" Al cried, "Don't tell me you're into this silly holiday too!"

"Did that trashcan just talk?" Ed asked. "Anyway, gimme some booze and I'll show my tits!"

"Here you go, babe!" Roy said while handing him a jug of beer.

"Hey! I saw her first, ya queer!" Kenshin protested while handing Ed his jug of beer.

"I'm queer? I'm not the one with long pink hair who talks like Elton John!"

"HEY I'LL SLICE YOUR ASS!"

"And I'll burn yours!"

Seeing as a fight was about to happen, Al jumped in the middle and stopped it. "Hold it! Let's not fight, please!"

"The trashcan is right!" Ed agreed. "Sides, there's plenty of me to go around!"

"Aww, I'm sorry, that I am!" Kenshin said while hugging Roy.

"Me too." Roy replied with the same gesture of kindness. "Let's all get wasted and have hot sweaty man sex!"

They all cheered and walked off, leaving Al behind.

And Al now knew the meaning of St. Patrick's Day.

And they all lived happily ever after.

AND THEN AL EXPLODED IN A MILLION PIECES AHHHH DFGKHJHKH!

* * *

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

P.S NO I WAS NOT DRUNK WHEN I MADE THIS I JUST WASN'T FEELING VERY NORMAL HEY I CAN'T SPEAK SPANISH OR FRENCH SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL KENSHIN SAID!


End file.
